Jessica Blogs About Twilight and Says Some Excrutiatingly Beautiful Things

Yesterday, I did the unthinkable. Yesterday, I went to my campus library and checked out Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight," the vampire saga phenomena that I've never been able to comprehend. The only thing reassuring me as I sheepishly went to the front desk to check it out was that I was not spending fifteen-some dollars on something I was certain was terrible literature. So why did I bother to check it out when I knew it would be a frustrating read? For the same reason I've watched Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" (the Ed Wood of our times) on multiple occasions. There's something about flawed works of art that's laughable while creating a higher sense of awareness of what NOT to commit in your own artistic endeavors. It's like exercising one's inner-critic, which I think is very important when struggling through revisions. 

I am not a closet Twilight fan, as some might perceive. I might consider myself a closet Lady Gaga fan, but whatever mystical power Twilight might have over millions of preteen girls (and some moms) just doesn't grab me. The characters and plot line of Twilight seem completely illogical -- as many have told me. So I'm reading "Twilight" in a way to confirm those rumors and to find myself thinking "I can totally write something better than this sub-par vampire/romance crap."

First of all, apologies to any of my Twilight loving friends who might read this. Just as you have your own opinions about this franchise, so do I. And I don't expect to change your minds.

But knowing that Miss Meyer was an English major, frankly, embarrasses me and my area of study. The thing I initially noticed in the first chapter of "Twilight" was the way it read. It had no rhythm, no variation in sentence length, and most of the sentences began with "I." It was a bit like reading a 9th grader's fan-fiction. There wasn't much character development in the beginning, but I thought perhaps Meyer won't dig too much into that until Bella has settled down into the backwoods town of Forks.

Okay, after reading four chapters in, this is my summary so far of Bella Swan: pale, almost translucent skin, slender but not athletic, clumsy, quiet, gets annoyed easily, and seems to KNOW EVERYTHING. Like, school shouldn't be a bother for this one, because she's already done most of the assignments Forks High has to offer.The first time this happens is when Bella is handed the reading list in her English class:

"I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything" (15).

This minor detail might not seem so ludicrous if it wasn't mentioned at least TWO MORE TIMES. For example:

"We had a pop quiz on Wuthering Heights. It was straightforward, very easy" (38).

"I was showing off, just a little. I'd already done this lab, and I knew what I was looking for. It should be easy" (45).

Is it just me, or does it seem like the Washington education system is way behind Arizona? The book does mention that Bella was in the advanced program at her school back home, but still. Come on. The only thing she seems to be completely incompetent at is Gym, and that's like the easiest class to pass as long as you dress out and play kickball. Sure, she's clumsy, but most of the one-dimensional characters find her clumsiness endearing. In Bella's group of new friends, we have Mike and Eric, which to me are basically one person pining for Bella's attention. And chatty Jessica just puts my name to shame. What, that's it? Bella's "friends" just drift into the background, yet Meyer continues to bring them up. If they're not that vital to the plot (I'm going with the assumption that the Cullens and Hales are the VIPs), why even friggin mention them?

And of course we have the ever mysterious Edward Cullen. Honestly, I don't see how his super-duper good looks stand out among his other model-esque siblings. Other than his "unearthly beauty," Edward is pretty much a jerk. Sure, Bella is hurt and frustrated that she can't understand why Edward has taken a strong disliking to her for no apparent reason, but she dwells on it WAY TOO MUCH. Her obsessive attitude reaches a new level though when Edward saves her from a truck barrelling towards her in the icy school parking lot. Bella claims Edward was too far away to run to her side and save her. Edward claims he was right beside her the entire time and that Bella's probably suffered a minor concussion. If I were Bella, I'd probably agree that I bumped my head and am probably not thinking clearly. But that isn't what Bella does. She obsesses and argues, nearly breaking down and crying over it. This somehow puts there non-friendship on the rocks, and the two dingbats spend the next chapter ignoring each other.

But they make it up when Edward asks to go with Bella to Seattle, an excuse she's concocted to easily "let down" all the males in the school trying to ask her to the dance. Smooth move, Edward. As Bella begins warming up to Eddy, Meyer's use of adverbs becomes ridiculous:

"His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering" (84). (In Creative Writing, I was always taught to try and avoid adverbs to describe something. Using them every once in a while isn't a huge crime, but Meyer seems very dependent on them).

"I wasn't interesting. And he was. Interesting...and brilliant...and mysterious...and perfect...and beautiful...and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand" (79). (This last sentence, even in context, is hilarious. And a good thing to note. [Beautiful][Perfect] ≠ Interesting. But I wouldn't expect Bella to understand that since Math isn't her strong point.)

"But Edward Cullen's back stiffened, and he turned slowly to glare at me -- his face was absurdly handsome -- with piercing, hate-filled eyes" (27). (I think Meyer should just say 'he was ridiculously good-looking' and get it over with).

That's all I'll leave you with for now. I'm going to try and get through the rest, but honestly, I'm not sure. I don't really like Bella, and I don't really like Edward. And that can be bad when those are the author's two main protagonists. If I do continue on, I'll share my misery.